What Women 'Really' Want

2003-08-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

so where've I gone? try here

2002-07-10T09:38:00.000-07:00

The Call of the Wild

This morning at work, I was exiting the bathroom stall when I noticed that one of the taps was left running. Instinctively, I removed the piece of paper blocking the sensor and proceeded to wash my hands. That’s when it hit me. How could a piece of paper get up and travel down an entire row of sinks only to land directly in front of the sensor? Secondly, why would someone purposefully leave the tap running? Instantly, it hit me. On an old Oprah episode I recalled her having mentioned that whenever she’s at a guest’s house, she’d leave the tap running so as to disguise her bodily noises. I quickly hightailed it out of there for fear that my theory was correct.

Did you know? Statistics show that in a 24-hour period, a male on average passes gas 15-17 times versus a females 8-9 times. Wow! 15-17 farts…that’s enough to blow up a small balloon! Application wise girls, better think twice before challenging the opposite sex to a farting duel. Secondly, it's no wonder guys are so open about farting in public whereas girls would rather drop dead and die than admit that they pass gas.

Also, have you ever wondered how come we sometimes can’t smell our own farts, meanwhile our neighbours are changing colour admist gagging for air? Well, after the first 2 minutes, farts become odourless to our noses, on top of which, farts can travel as far as 15 metres and the smell can linger for up to five minutes! This reminds me of a movie where there was a super hero named Mr. Spleen whose super power was passing the most deadliest gas known to man.

Last but not least, which one are you???

The Blanket-Ripping Farter - One who farts in bed and puts his or her head under the blanket to savour the smell.

The Dutch-Oven Farter - One who farts in bed and then holds his or her partner's head beneath the bedclothes.

The Couldn't-Care-Less Farter - One who farts loudly in public.

The Foolish Farter - One who suppresses a fart for hours one end.
The Honest Farter - One who openly admits he or she has farted.

The Impudent Farter - One who farts loudly and then laughs.

The Red-Card Farter - One who is identified as having let out a particularly foul fart that warrants his immediate evacuation from a public place.

In closing, as my dad puts it, “Answer the nature call” ‘cause when you gotta, you gotta. It’s much better than holding it until you explode all at once. Finally, if you’re in public and someone asks, just be honest enough to admit it. That’s all.

2002-06-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

The 411 on Hair Removal

Want to be smooth and sleek, or just well-groomed? Whatever your reasoning, I’m sure all post-pubescents have at one point in their lives, stared into a mirror and thought to themselves, “When’d that get there?” Yes, although we’d rather it never happened to us, unwanted body hair grows in the strangest of places – bikini line, between one’s eyebrows, upper lip, arms and legs, and underarms. So, in response, marketers have developed dozens of hair removal systems; epilators, high-precision razors, electric shavers, tweezers, waxes, depilatories, and more. Today, I’ll look at three of the most common methods: depilatories or creams, waxing, and the good ‘ol fashioned razor.

Depilatories are cheap acidic products, which literally melt the hair. Two examples I’ve had the misfortune of trying are Nair and Epil Stop Plus (as seen on TV!). Although quick and painless, both stink of chemicals and can be known to cause skin irritations or rashes. Moreover, what the people of Nair don’t say is that after a short time, the hair grows back darker and coarser than before!

In waxing, a wax combination is spread thinly over the skin. Next, a cloth strip is pressed on the top and then ripped off with a quick movement removing the wax along with the hair and dead skin cells leaving the skin smooth. My recommendation is to get a friend who you trust to help; I still recall my friend’s expression of utter horror when I tore the cloth strip off her armpit. - Surely a feat she could not have done alone. Also, waxing has been known to cause skin to react with redness and bumps.

Perhaps the most common method of hair removal, and the one I prefer, is the dependable foam and razor. [Shameless plug: try the Venus razor (comes with blades that secrete aloes and skin conditioners while you shave) and Gillette shaving gel.] Although it’s inexpensive and doesn’t remove layers of skin each time, with razors, stubble reappears quickly, and users may suffer irritation if the shaver is not kept clean.

In closing, whatever method you choose, its highly recommended following up with a hair inhibitor, which will prevent hair from growing back indefinitely. Unlike depilatories, inhibitors are completely natural and gentle on the skin. Hopefully, with these tips, we can all look forward to a hairless summer!

2002-06-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

Over bubble tea, the topic of blogging came up. In response, I've also created a "journal" blog which I promise will be updated regularly. Something more for those procrastinators at work. Visit me!

2002-06-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

Walking Down the Aisle

“Dum dum de dah, dum dum de dah…” I’m sure we’ve all heard it about half a dozen times if not more; the oh-so famous “Wedding March” by Felix Mendelssohn. A time of tossing - everything out the window that is. Let’s see… there’s the rice, the garter, the bouquet, and of course, single hood, because once you’ve walked down that aisle and said your “I do”, it’s a done deal. But is it really all that bad?

After celebrating a friend’s Bridle shower this past weekend, it dawned on me how differently men and women react to the idea of getting married. Now don’t get me wrong here, this isn’t to say that ALL men are afraid of commitment and ALL women are just dying to tie the knot, just so we’re clear here. Yet, why is it that when a woman announces her engagement, everyone congratulates her and asks to see the ring, yet when a guy makes a similar announcement, all his buddies are consoling him? Is it just me or don’t you find this a bit odd?

Along the same lines, once the wedding date has been set, it’s usually us woman who take over planning the entire wedding. This past weekend, I noticed that another engaged friend of mine had a massive collection of wedding magazines on her coffee table with post it notes on select pages depicting the perfect dress, the perfect hair, the perfect make up etc. for her special day. Is it because men would rather sit back and let the bride-to-be do all the work or is it because they believe that that we’d prefer they stay out of the way? Surprisingly, from what I’ve observed, I’ve never heard a woman complain that her fiancé wasn’t helping with the wedding planning. In fact, believe it or not, most women would rather the groom-to-be stayed out of it entirely besides getting fitted for the tux and attending rehearsal.

In closing, when it’s your turn to walk down that aisle, just remember that men and women think differently about weddings. Men might see it as one more rite of passage before achieving full adulthood, whereas, us women see it as something we’ve been planning all our lives, all our hopes and dreams; we want it to be absolutely perfect! I thought I'd end this blog off with a lovely poem I found about weddings.

Marriage Views

First, marriage should be love
all encompassing, total, and free.
Love that grows stronger each day
soft murmurs of Thee, Thee, Thee.

Second, marriage should be sacrifice
giving of self, regardless of reward.
Gift gladly given, with open heart
shielded from life's harsh sword.

Third, marriage should be commitment
utter loyalty, deep to the bone.
Absolutely, no questions asked
faithfully promised, never alone.

Lastly, marriage should be forever
family bonded, yet all still free.
Lives joined with love, sacrifice, and commitment
an eternity promised with -
Thee, Thee, Thee

2002-06-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

Pimple problems?

Over 80 percent of the world's teens suffer from acne. In fact, even King Tut was believed to have a pimple problem! Since he ruled during his teens, you can imagine the stress he experienced.

Fortunately, today we have the convenience of face washes, astringent cleansers, peel-off masks and overnight treatments; all specially formulated to fend off acne attacks and penetrate pimples before they surface. However, if you’re not willing to spend hundreds of dollars on high-end skin creams and a dermatologist, here are some are some creative home remedies that myself and some of my friends claim to work!

To dry out a pimple overnight, use toothpaste (not gel) directly on the zit. This will help dry it out overnight - essentially the same trick as the Clean and Clear’s Persa-Gel 10 I got for less than half the price.

To rid redness from an inflamed zit, you can apply Visine eyedrops to the red spots, use a hydrocortisone cream or simply pop 2 Advil.

As for things one should NOT do, do NOT go to bed without washing your face. Although we don’t feel anything, while we’re sleeping, this is the time our skin takes to heal. Also, do not use soap or creams containing mini-micro scrubbers as they will seriously dry or irritate your skin. Instead, I recommend using a facial cleanser such as my favorite, Clean and Clear's Cream Cleanser for $6-7 or my newly acquired Shiseido’s Cleansing Foam followed by its TS Day Essential Moisturizer Enriched. Another major no-no and something I think we’re all guilty of is popping or picking at our zits, or even worse, squeezing them. What we don’t know is that this usually causes you to push the zit into your skin, making healing time even slower.

In closing, the next time you suffer a pimple breakout, just follow the steps I’ve listed above, and if that doesn't work, I guess its time to load up on eggs and toothpaste.

2002-06-07T06:24:00.000-07:00

Bad B.O.

Have you ever had the unpleasant experience of riding the subway during rush hour only to realize that the person next to you has unnaturally bad body odor? What is one to do in such a situation? Unfortunately our trains don’t come equipped with pharmacies and unlike our planes; there aren’t any oxygen masks to be found above. Panicking yet? Suddenly realized that you’re claustrophobic? Well, hopefully by the end of this article your understanding of what causes bad B.O. will help ease some of those anxieties.

As well all know, body odor is an unpleasant smell that comes off our bodies, usually from the hands and feet, groin, and underarms. What we don’t know is that it’s due to the concentration of the endocrine and apocrine glands in these areas. This reminds me of my gr. 8 drama teacher, Mr. M who had this unfailing habit of “talking with his arms”; and each time he did, there they would be, Mr. Lefty and Mr. Righty, two enormous sweat stains, yellowed over time. I suppose now that his endocrine glands were working overtime. Also, sad but true, even girls can have a tendency to stink sometimes.

Normally, body odor is associated with sweat or physical activity, however, if its extra strong or has an unusual smell, go see a doctor because it may indicate a more serious condition (fungal infection, diabetes, or gastrointestinal disorders). But what causes bad B.O.?

Clinical studies have found that bad B.O. may be the result of anger, bacteria, drugs, heat, menstruation, nervousness, physical activity, sexual arousal, strong smelling food, sweat, and zinc deficiency. So how can we help prevent bad body odor from fostering?

Perhaps the most logical way is to maintain good hygiene by use antibacterial deodorant /soap on the underarms (recommendations: Irish Springs soap, Old Spice, Secret, Arrid), reduce intake of spicy and smelly foods, and to drink plenty of water to detoxify the tissues and organs of the body. So take this as a message to everyone out there, spare your fellow citizens on the subway next time by battling your B.O. before it starts to fight back!

2002-06-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

Does Size Really Matter?

In this society, why is it that we always associate bigger with better? For example, in the Chinese culture, people with big noses are often perceived as wise and affluent. Is it not rather, quality over quantity and brain over braun?

Yesterday morning, I overheard on the radio that people with second toes longer than their big toes are perceived as being good in bed. Now, what I want to know is which doctor and in which chapter of the medical textbook did that little tidbit come from. Similarly, what is it with the correlation between a guy's hands and the size of his ahem. Why, I can still recall a single woman at my old job asking the delivery boy to hold out his palm, meanwhile giggling like a young schoolgirl.

Similarly, for women, we also fall prey to the common misconception that bigger is better. If you don't believe me, just walk by the newsstand on your way home from work today and see who graces the covers of our magazines. Tall, long-legged, big-busted women, thats who.

Finally, I'd like to leave you all with a small article from Tribute.ca's hot gossip for the week. I think Denise Richards sums up the whole issue about society's perception of size and how we should sometimes just ignore what society thinks and focus more on feeling good about ourselves.

While driving in Los Angeles the other day, Denise Richards looked up and got a shock when she saw her image on a billboard for her new movie Undercover Brother. It appears her backside had been touched up by an artist. "I yelled to no one in particular that that is not my body on those posters. It is definitely not my butt," says the outraged Richards, who plays a secret agent in the film spoof. She immediately called Universal Studios on her cell phone. They admitted to the computer enhancement, calling big butts "all the rage these days." Richards was not amused, especially as her friends teased her about the extra proportions. "Most women don't want their body parts enhanced, especially if they're secure with who they are and how they look," explains Richards.

2002-06-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

Chocolate - A Sexual Affair

Chocolate, a sweet confection or potent sexual stimulant? Back in the 1700's, believing that it contained special aphrodisiac elements, the celebrated Italian libertine Casanova took chocolate before taking his conquests to bed. Meanwhile, in another part of the world, the Aztecs associated chocolate with Xochiquetzal, the goddess of fertility. However today, we see it as an elicitor of endorphins, a good mood food if you will, which 50% of women reportedly claim is better than sex! Undeniably, chocolate is being regarded less and less as a savoury delectable and more for its sexual effects.

Fact 1: 15% of men and 40% of women claim to get chocolate cravings.

I've found that for us women, chocolate cravings get especially bad around that "time of the month". Curious as to why, I searched the net and discovered that chocolate is rich in magnesium, an element that we lack during pre-menstruation.

Fact 2: 91% of chocolate-cravings associated with the menstrual cycle occur between ovulation and the start of menstruation.

In closing, this bears an important lesson for all of us. For the men out there, a box of Godiva will speak volumes better than your best apology, and to the women, chocolate is a terrific cure-all during those times of distress, and if ever in doubt, reread my opening paragraph.

2002-05-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

Public Tinkling - Every Women's Worst Nightmare

It happens to the best of us. Although we all prefer the privacy of our own bathrooms, sometimes we just aren't given that luxury and must instead face our daunting fear of public restrooms. For me, even the thought of having to use a public bathroom causes my stomach to somersault. Surely, its no coincidence that the bathroom has also been known to be called the 'ol hole in the ground, the john, the lavatory... its dirty, its offensive, and its aroma definitely lacks. However, what makes it more of a women's nightmare is that, unlike men we have to squat.

Anatomically unable to tinkle while standing upright, I have found that Darwin's Survival of the Fittest has somehow found its way into the women's washroom. The "strong" women have found a way to adapt to their harsh surroundings by developing special techniques for tinkling. Several of these oh-so-popular techniques include the "froggie" which entails crouching above the toilet with feet on the toilet seat, the "spiderman" whereby one grabs onto anything on the walls while hanging for dear life above the toilet bowl, and the famous "hover" technique, which although similar to what one would do at home, stops about 3 inches above the toilet seat. Personally, I've found that the majority of women use the latter of these three techniques as evidenced by the frequency of tinkle left behind. Definitely not my idea of a present. What men don't know is that there's more. The last and final technique is the most difficult. Performed by many black belt karate experts, the flying crane requires great poise, balance and skill as one balances oneself on one foot while extending the other leg forward. Women have adapted this art form and made it their own by using their forward foot to press down on the lever; all the meanwhile maintaining their balance so as not to fall into the toilet.

My final thought to all those "strong" women out there. Its wonderful that you've found a way to combat your fears of tinkling in public, however, please please please wipe up after you tinkle because no one wants to clean up your mess.

2002-05-29T09:10:00.000-07:00

PDA - To be or Not to Be...that is the question

For those of you not familiar with the lingo, PDA is what is otherwise known to the dating world as Public Displays of Affection. Whether we choose to stay oblivious to it or not, its all around us. Why, only this morning as I was descending the stairs to the subway did I notice a young couple staring dreamily into each others eyes, fingers intertwined. For them, time had no meaning as they strolled down the long hallway, hand in hand. So what I want to know is whether PDA is something we can define as being politically correct. Is it okay to perform PDA? And if not, when is it okay?

A friend of mine remarked one night about how all the couples around him were making out. I thought it was all up in his head until he started pointing them out to me. While at the bookstore, "Omigosh. He's all over her. Tell them to get a room!" On the subway that same night, "Aw man.. look at the two of them go." Sometimes I wonder, if its only singles who notice PDA because couples are too busy getting caught up in the act themselves. Yet even I, one-half of a couple, notice it every once in awhile thus disproving my own hypothesis.

So, obviously it makes other people uncomfortable; especially if they don't have someone to perform PDA with themselves, or... maybe its something couples do on purpose as if to flaunt their sexual prowess. Regardless, it's this girl's opinion that PDA should be something monitored. Sure, holding hands and occasional pecks on the cheek are okay, but tongue wars and that sort are definitely too much to handle. Couples need to perform self-checks, perhaps taking a few seconds to resurface and survey their surroundings; and if their surroundings entail disapproving glances or shuffling feet, then they need to check into the closest motel room and continue on there.